ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Livid.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack