I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”