Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.