every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
All generalizations are stupid.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
#Caturday
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.