Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green