Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
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On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.