Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
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*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
This is hilarious….
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her: