*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
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I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.