[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?