Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
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hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.