Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
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Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one