Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
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Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
when dads have a rap battle
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.