My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
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*eats only grass-fed donuts
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT