I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
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I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.