A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
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You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
San Francisco has too many rules
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club