When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
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The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
my dad has had enough
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.