I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.