Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
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You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?