Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?