4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
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[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
See..?
.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!