My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
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“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
this is me
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT