Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.