i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?