Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
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I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Ummm
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I was up all night reading about insomnia
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes