Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.