[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
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6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Me :
All Day At Night
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from