*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
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My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*