They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER