I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
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Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.