“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
This sounds bad:
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I cannot call her anything else now
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
This is the coolest video you will see today.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Only short people can save us
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way