“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES