If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
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4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Heroic Misunderstanding
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon