This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
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If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu