[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
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*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
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I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME