[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
You Might Also Like
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.