Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
work smarter, not harder
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Oh deer
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.