People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with