A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
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Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
The smoothest fall of all time
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
sigh
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks