My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
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On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.