[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head