If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
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Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
need a new bf mines broken 😐
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?