Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”