Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
crying
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*