Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.