Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
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I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.