Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
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On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.