Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
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“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation