I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”