[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
The Struggle
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.