Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
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so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I mean…but I did
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.